Inauguration 2013

So very proud to be an American today.  The inauguration of Barack Obama to his second term - only the 17th President elected to a second term - makes me so happy!  I don't necessarily agree with everything he does, but thinking about the alternative we could have had makes me giddy.  He seems to be a good man, and I love Michele Obama.  

  

A day like this makes so much possible.  The potential of a beginning, much like I'm going through personally.  I hope we both manage to stay strong and follow the path we need to.  

(photo courtesy of The Huffington Post http://i.huffpost.com/gadgets/slideshows/275945/slide_275945_2007412_free.jpg?1358809412000 )

Time Flies

If time flies when you're having fun, why do I feel like I'm just not getting what "FUN" is?  Time is flying, and I'm not enjoying it...

I'm so completely enveloped in a funk.  Distracted and incompetent.  I muddle through each day, after waking with a sense of great potential.  Before I know it, the day is over and I haven't accomplished half of what seemed possible this morning.  Sounding like a theme to my life now that I see it in writing.  

I had quite a health scare over the past 4 months, discovered my marriage is a sham and my husband a filthy liar.  Faced work upheavals that saw layoffs and brought unwelcome changes to my duties.  And I feel like I'm not reaching my potential as a mother, shortchanging my beloved daughter.

My daughter is everything to me.  Perhaps more so now that I'm facing other issues.  I worry how each aspect of my life will effect her.  She's only 6 and each day I'm painfully conscious of how things will effect her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.  Dramatic, I know.  But each decision I make DOES impact her.  Right down to how many times I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.  If I can't stick to my mind's schedule at 5:30 am, it feels like everything else is impacted.  A domino effect, if you will. 

She is a bright spot who amuses me without end.  Even when she's naughty or fresh.  I think I manage make her feel safe, loved, confident, secure, appreciated, valued.  I believe I bring joy to her and explain life's boundaries in a way she understands and accepts.  But how do we ever know, as mothers, if it's enough.  

She's becoming aware of the world around her, and I find she's keeping secrets.  She doesn't keep them for long, thank God, but I realize I won't be her go-to confidante for much longer. So exciting and heartbreaking all at once.  

Things that go boom

My poor kid fell out of bed at 4:45am.  She's fine, but the thud was terrifying.  She banged her knee and was more scared than physically hurt.  Of course, being the stellar mom that I am, after snuggling and comforting her I hit snooze and overslept by like an hour.  I told her that snuggling was the best part of my day, but now I'm gonna be a little bit crazed getting us out of the house.  Thank God my alarm goes off over 2 hours before we actually have to leave.

Had a 'talk' with my husband the other night.  Another thing that goes boom - my marriage.  I am adamant about 'this is your third strike' and sticking to my guns, but there are so many factors that feed into a marriage and family.  My daughter is so very happy and secure.  She never once acted out with my recent health scare and hospitalization, and this past weekend my husband was hospitalized with kidney stones and she was again unfazed.  This speaks volumes to how I am raising her. She knows she can trust what I tell her and not worry.  She is happy to stay with anyone we leave her with (family and friends).  She didn't cry over not seeing either me or him for 4 days.  That's huge.

Another factor is money of course.  I can't support her and myself on just my salary.  And he doesn't make much more - certainly not enough to cover 2 homes.  My mother is 84 years old, and while she'd take us in, it isn't fair to do that to her.  Plus it would mean almost tripling my commute and adding 2 bridge tolls a day.  Fiscally impossible.

So I continue to mull it all over...

Creation

I'm one of those mothers - you know who I mean.  I'm never quite on top of things.  I don't belong to the PTA.  Parenting, work and home suck the ME out of me...  I'm over 40 and have lost all sense of the woman I was.  It's like I don't remember my personality, or how to have a conversation of actual interest.  And, had I lost ME but found a dynamic woman who can do ANYTHING and do it right, I wouldn't mind so much.  But I didn't.  I discovered I'm pretty crappy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly adequate overall.  But I have a hard time reconciling "adequate" with the dreams I had for my life, of my vision for what the future would be like 20-odd years ago.  

I love being a mom.  It's the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  Even the hard parts.  My daughter's unadulterated love is a gift I don't deserve.  I thank God every day for blessing me with her.  I always thought I'd have a bunch of kids, and it took a long time for me to come to terms with not having more kids.  But there are so many people who aren't as lucky as I am, so I am grateful.  

I have a job but long for a career.  I have a house and long for a home.  So satisfied in 2 out of 3 areas of life?  I'm also a wife, potentially on the verge of divorce, so there is a 4th area I'm not ready to discuss yet.  

The crux of the matter is that I need to rant and put things in writing to process it all.  I also amuse myself greatly sometimes with my random thoughts and observations.  Maybe I'm meant to amuse a wider audience.  

Stick with me.  I swear I'm worth it.