Time Flies

If time flies when you're having fun, why do I feel like I'm just not getting what "FUN" is?  Time is flying, and I'm not enjoying it...

I'm so completely enveloped in a funk.  Distracted and incompetent.  I muddle through each day, after waking with a sense of great potential.  Before I know it, the day is over and I haven't accomplished half of what seemed possible this morning.  Sounding like a theme to my life now that I see it in writing.  

I had quite a health scare over the past 4 months, discovered my marriage is a sham and my husband a filthy liar.  Faced work upheavals that saw layoffs and brought unwelcome changes to my duties.  And I feel like I'm not reaching my potential as a mother, shortchanging my beloved daughter.

My daughter is everything to me.  Perhaps more so now that I'm facing other issues.  I worry how each aspect of my life will effect her.  She's only 6 and each day I'm painfully conscious of how things will effect her FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.  Dramatic, I know.  But each decision I make DOES impact her.  Right down to how many times I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.  If I can't stick to my mind's schedule at 5:30 am, it feels like everything else is impacted.  A domino effect, if you will. 

She is a bright spot who amuses me without end.  Even when she's naughty or fresh.  I think I manage make her feel safe, loved, confident, secure, appreciated, valued.  I believe I bring joy to her and explain life's boundaries in a way she understands and accepts.  But how do we ever know, as mothers, if it's enough.  

She's becoming aware of the world around her, and I find she's keeping secrets.  She doesn't keep them for long, thank God, but I realize I won't be her go-to confidante for much longer. So exciting and heartbreaking all at once.